Hello JAAM Friends

I was born into the most caring family I could ever imagine. Family is something I hold dear to my heart and cherish immensely. The love and lessons learned within my family is what helped me become who I am today. Lets take a little dive into my past that helped create Just An Average Mama.

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The day I was supposed to go in and have my cast on my arm taken off was the day I will never forget. I was seven years old. It was the day strangers with vests and guns forced their way into our home. At least I thought they were strangers. It was the day I hid under a pile of laundry to escape the fear that suddenly appeared within me. The day we were taken away from our mom and the day that would change everything.

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Those strangers were simply no strangers at all, but policemen coming to rescue us. A rescue I didn't understand at the time.

 

As my mom sat at the edge of the bed with her hands handcuffed behind her, I wondered what she had done that was so wrong. I wondered when my brothers were coming home? I wondered where  they were going to take us? My wonders drifted all over the place. I just wanted to rewind to earlier that day and wished I would have begged my mom to take me to my appointment. Maybe if I did just that, things would be different. My mom would not be in cuffs, and we would have gotten one more day with her.

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My brothers finally came home after seeing the colorful scene outside our home from their friend's window. Once the policemen got everything they needed, it was time to say good bye, good bye to mom. When will we see her again? I was hoping we wouldn't be away long because I was scared and already missing her. We were taken away to a place where they examined us from head to toe. They wrote down a lot of notes and I wondered what they are writing. To this day I still wonder what was written on those note pads. We had comfy beds, rooms filled with toys and crafts, and a cafeteria with a lot of food. This was something we were not used to. This was actually a nice place and there were lots of other kids too. I thought maybe this place wasn't too bad and couldn't wait to tell my mom all about it. Although I was starting to like this place, I knew my mom must be missing us because we missed her, therefore, I didn't want to stay too long. I can't remember how long we did stayed, but it was finally time to leave, but not with mom. Our uncle came to pick us up. We were going to stay with him , our new auntie, and little cousin. She was going to become my new sister and my auntie I would soon call mom.

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That little while lasted five years. Within those five years, we wrote mom, occasionally talked on the phone, but never saw her. I would re-read her letters and her promises over and over. She was going to get better and come get us and then we were going to be a family again. While we waited we went on vacations, swam during the summers, learned the importance of chores, and got to spend time with our whole family. The time had come to move along, but not with mom. She wasn't quite ready, but soon. We went to live with our other aunt and uncle. During that time with them, we spent most of our summer days at the lake. Got sun burnt tubing while laughing out in the sun, but then the day had finally came. Yes, the day we got to go back to our mom! I was so excited we were going to be able to do mother daughter things, I was going to see her every single day, have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but unfortunately that just turned into a dream I so desperately wished for. Things were different from when we lived with mom before. We didn't go on fun rides to homes were we borrowed things from strangers, or had to be on the lookout. We didn't get chased by police officers, or didn't go to random homes to pick up bags of needles for so called medicine. We didn't park in the parking lot of McDonalds for mom and her boyfriend to take that medicine, in fact we didn't even have a car. We learned all the routes around town by riding the bus. Things were great for a short time, too short, until one day mom stopped coming home. It started with a day or two being gone to weeks at a time. This is when I started building so much anger within me. I had anger toward my mom, anger toward the people she called friends, anger toward people who had marks all over their hands and arms. Anger at the  medicine she would take because it was keeping her away. When my mom was home, she wasn't coherent or we would constantly argue. Argue about where she was, who she was with, what was in her pockets, what happened to the food stamps, why I was having to clean the house all the time and act like an adult at the age of 13, why wasn't she at work and why couldn't she choose us. A month went by with no mom, no food, and I was being bullied at school. Our home was nothing but filth, our neighbors were feeding us, letting us sleep in their homes. I had no choice but to let my aunt know. Once again we were on the move. This time, I wasn't sad or scared, but I was angry. This was the last time I lived with mom.

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My mom dealt with her demons for awhile longer until 9/11 happened and she was about to go to prison for the next 40 years. She was given one more chance to prove herself and she did exactly that and has been sober ever since.

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The experiences in my early childhood consisted of good and bad memories. Memories of witnessing things a child should not witness, being sexually abused by strangers and family that were supposed to protect me, memories of seeing my mother destroy herself and those around her, but also memories of learning, growing,  and times of laughter and fun.

This is what made me. This is why I devote all my energy to being that mother I desperately wanted as a child, this is why I want to give back to those around me. My mom is not a bad person, in fact she has a very big heart, she just got lost along the way and needed a little help finding her way back. Most people just need guidance but instead they get judgement. I was one of those people who judged because of all the anger I had, and I still find myself judging, but I do want to help those who desperately need it, who want it, if not for them for their children. And this is my why.